(Scene: Planet Express employees lounge. The gang is watching TV)

Amy: Hey, isn't it time for "All My Circuits?"

Bender: Nah, it's on hiatus for October sweeps. They're showing some sort of cartoon.

(On the screen are two crudely animated aliens. One wears a yellow T-shirt with a Q on it, the other wears a green T-shirt with an X)

Quagzort (on TV): Hey, Xygon!

Xygon: What is it, Quagzort?

Quagzort: I have to secrete a silicoid compound!

Xygon: Like this?

(Xygon squirts a purple substance out of a tubelike orifice on his head, which lands on Quagzort. Quagzort then squirts some of the purple substance at Xygon. The two laugh hysterically)

Leela (disgusted): I can't believe they thought people would find this crap funny. Don't you agree?

Fry (doubling over with laughter): And then he squirted purple stuff on him! Hee hee hee!

(Futurama opening credits. Caption: Recommended by four out of five subterranian mutant creatures)

(Enter Hermes and Professor)

Prof: Good news, everyone! I have a job for you.

Leela: We're not delivering deadly weapons of mass destruction to the Insane Asylum Planet again, are we?

Prof: Don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't make that mistake a twelfth time. Besides, this isn't a delivery, it's a dangerous time travel mission for the government.

Hermes: Which means I get to spend me entire weekend fillin' out these forms.

(He lifts an enormous stack of paperwork and moans orgasmically)

Zoidberg: Get a room!

Prof: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to protect this man. The future of the human race depends on him!

(The professor shows us a picture of an eight-year-old boy who wears an orange parka) Fry: So what's so important about this kid?

Amy: Z'uh! That's Kenny McCormick.

Hermes: He invented the edible Wonderbra, mon.

Fry: Big deal.

Prof: Why, yes, Fry, you're absolutely right. In fact, it's an even bigger deal than you can imagine. In the year 2525, a meteor will strike the Earth, destroying all plant life. The only thing left to eat on Earth was the edible Wonderbra. If there hadn't been an eighty-year supply of them available, humanity would have starved to death before they managed to clone enough seeds to begin agriculture again.

Fry: Okay, so the kid saves mankind. Where do we come in?

Hermes: We have reason to believe that someone is planning to travel back in time and assassinate the boy before he can invent the edible Wonderbra , thus destroying modern civilization as we know it.

Prof: Your mission, and you no choice but to accept it, since you want to get paid, is to travel back in time to the 21st century and prevent McCormick's assassination!

Leela: Oh, I don't like this. Doesn't the Time Patrol usually handle things like this?

Prof: Ah, yes, funny story about the Time Patrol. It seems they all accidentally went back in time and shot their great-grandfathers, thus wiping themselves out of existence!

Zoidberg: (ROTF) Hahahahahahahaha! Oh, I never get tired of that one.

Hermes: Nevertheless, the Democratic Order of Planets will be sending a contact to meet you in the past.

Leela: (crosses fingers) Please don't let it be Zapp Brannigan please don't let it be Zapp Brannigan please don't let it be Zapp Brannigan please don't let it be Zapp Brannigan please don't let it be Zapp Brannigan....

(scene: aboard the Nimbus) (that's Zapp Brannigan's ship) (oh, come on, you knew that was coming)

Zapp: Just imagine, Kif, my loyal sidekick, secretary, and lackey... soon Leela and I will be on our first mission together. Working... very closely... together... Can you picture it?

Kif: (quietly) I'm trying not to...

Zapp: What was that?

Kif: (unenthusiastic) I said I'm happy for you.

Zapp: Come, Kif! We must prepare my sponge bath! And bring the heavy-duty loofah, there's a lot of dead skin to get off.

Kif: (shudders)

(Back at Planet Express, in the professor's lab)

Prof: Here, right next to my time machine, is my greatest invention: a working electric football game!

Leela: That's nice, but shouldn't you be showing us the time machine?

Prof: Why?

Leela: For the time travel mission?

Prof: I never mentioned a time travel mission. Now, for your time travel mission, you'll need this time machine.

(He hands Amy a small chip)

Prof: Now, once you install this chip in the ship's expansion drive, Amy, you'll be able to begin your mission. I'll be monitoring your progress via the Timeservascope whenever I can be bothered.

Amy: Well, I guess I'll go get started.

Hermes: Good luck, everyone! The future of mankind depends on your actions! If you fail, life as we know it will be over and your pay will be severely docked! No pressure, now.

(aboard the Planet Express ship)

Amy: Chip's in place! Just hit the red switch and turn the green knob.

Leela: Anything else I need to know about?

Amy: Yeah. Don't use it in Earth's atmosphere, or you'll doom all life on the planet.

Leela: (takes hand away from the knob) That would have been embarrassing.

(The ship lifts off, goes into orbit, and activates the time warp. Too bad you can't see it, it's really cool)

Leela: Brace yourself, everyone! Here we go!

(The ship travels through the time stream, passing lots of backwards-running clocks, upward-flowing hourglasses, and calendars with pages flying back onto them. A bust of Beethoven floats by, then the Magna Carta, followed by Peabody and Sherman, then a dinosaur, then the Enterprise.)

Fry: Boy, the time stream sure has a lot of crap floating in it.

Leela: Yeah, in 2854, there was a movement to dump garbage in here, but it never caught on. Mostly, they just got rid of all these nonworking timepieces and historical obje...

Bender: Stonehenge at 1:00!

(Leela swerves to avoid it. We continue with an exterior of the PE ship traveling through the timestream. Historical voices can be heard)

Dean: Now graduating, Hubert Farnsworth!

Random Voice: There's nothing to eat but edible Wonderbras!

Voice 2: I, Jerry Springer VI, do solemnly swear to uphold the office...

Franklin Roosevelt: A date... which will live... in infamy...

Leela: Too far.

(she turns the ship around)

JFK: Ask not what your country can do for you...

Jimmy Walker: DYNOMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!!!

Seitenbacher guy: Seitenbacher Wegetable Broth Mix is Tooooooootallllllllllly clean!

Leela: Here we go.

(The PE ship reenters the normal time-space continuum somewhere above South Park, CO. Leela accidentally flies the ship into a Cheesy Poofs billboard)

Leela: Okay, everyone, try to remember where we parked.

Bender: Yeah, we'll just look for th'flamin' wreckage.

(Exterior: South Park Elementary)

(Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg walk down the hall)

Leela: So, the first thing we need to do is figure out when this assassination attempt is supposed to take place. Amy, do you know how to build a mnemonic circuit device?

Amy: Sure. I'm gonna need some stone knives and a couple of bearskins.

Principal Victoria: Hold on, just a second. Who are you people?

Leela: We're the new substitute teachers. Didn't you get the memo?

PV: I don't remember any memo... but we need the substitute teachers.

Nurse Gollum: Are you sure we should let them in? That one has purple hair and one eye.

Leela: You have pink hair and a dead fetus growing out of your left cheek.

NG: Well, touché.

(the PE crew file past PV and NG, Zoidberg pauses)

Zoidberg: (addressing the fetus) I may be able to remove that unsightly cyst from your buttocks, young lady. Come see me later.

(Cafeteria)

Stan: I heard Chef called in sick today.

Kyle: That sucks. Who are they gonna get to replace him?

Mr. Derpe: Heeeeey, kids!

Cartman: No. God no.

Derp: It's yer old pal, Mr. Derp! (tosses his spatula up in the air; it falls down and hits him on the head) DERP!

Cartman: Somebody shoot me in the head right now. Seriously.

Derp: Oops, I dropped my wallet in the blender. Let me get it out.

(He sticks his hand in the blender and accidentally turns it on. The scamps stare in horror)

Derp: (waving his bloody stump of a hand) My wacky antics entertain and educate at the same time!

(The Kids continue to stare in horror)

Derp: Mr. Derp has to go to the emergency room, kids! DERP!

(Exit Derp. Enter NG and Zoidberg)

NG: Don't worry, I've got another substitute. (exits)

Zoidberg: (looking at lunchtrays) Three meals? This must be my lucky month!

(Zoidberg begins shoveling mac n' cheese into his gullet with his bare claws)

Stan: Uh, Mr...

Zoidberg: That's DOCTOR to you, young lady.

Kyle: What he's trying to tell you is that you're supposed to be serving the food to US.

Zoidberg: Vell, okay, I doubt I could eat all of it. (examines the food) This food seems to be very low in tungsten, I'd better add some.

Kyle: I don't think we're supposed to eat tungsten.

Zoidberg: Nonsense, tungsten is very important for growing larvae. Vithout it, your redundant stomachs vill close up and you vill vither and die.

Kenny: Mmmmph mmmph mmmmmph MMMMPH!!!

Kyle: Right, if anyone has redundant stomachs, it's Cartman!

Cartman: Ay!

Zoidberg: Judging by his size, I vould guess six or seven.

Cartman: Okay. I'd just like one thing from you.

Zoidberg: Yes, large one?

Cartman: Just tell me where in God's name your nuts are supposed to be, so I can kick you squa' in them.

(Scene: the teacher's lounge, featuring expensive furniture, Oriental rugs, and a fully stocked bar)

Fry: Man, this teacher's lounge sucks. Don't they have a TV?

Bender: That whole wall over there's a TV.

(He indicates a 240-inch flat-screen model taking up one of the walls)

Fry: Oh, yeah. How'd I miss that?

Leela: Quit wasting time, we have to save humanity.

Bender: So? What do I care about humanity? In case you haven't noticed, Eyestein, I'm a robot.

Leela: And who builds robots?

Bender: Other robots.

Leela: And who builds those robots?

Bender: Other robots.

Leela: (sigh) And who builds those robots?

Bender: Humans, of c... My programmer, you're right!

(POV inside Bender. A small chip, covered with dust and cobwebs. Suddenly, a light starts blinking on the chip, revealing the label "Heroism chip")

Bender: (striking dramatic pose) I SHALL DO MY BEST TO SAVE HUMANITY!!! Man, that took a lot out of me. I need a drink.

(He runs over to the bar and starts draining some of the more expensive-looking bottles)

Amy: Bender, if you're serious...

Bender: I'm not.

Leela: Yes, you are.

Amy: ... I'm out of bearskins. Could you go kill another bear?

Bender: (grumbling) "Bender do this. Bender do that. Bender move that box, Bender cook breakfast. Bender go kill a bear...."

(he walks out still mutterring)

Leela: You realize he just going to go get drunk somewhere.

Amy: I trust hi... HEY! He stole my car keys! We didn't even bring my car! That BASTARD! Anyway, as I was saying, I trust him completely.

(Scene: Principal's office)

PV: Garisson, for Pete's sake, what is your problem?

Mr. Garisson: Haven't you noticed anything odd about the new substitute teachers?

PV: If you're worried about your job, Mr. Garisson, you shouldn't. Lord knows, if I haven't fired you by now...

Mr. G: That's not it at all. I don't know if you noticed, but I think one of them might be (whispering) Chinese.

PV: (incredulous) Mr. Garisson!!!

Mr. G: I know! Even now, she's probably after our nuclear secrets! Isn't that right, Mr. Hat?

Mr. Hat: Damn straight, Mr. Garisson!

(phone rings)

PV: Hello:

Chef's voice: Hello there, Principal Victoria. I'm afraid I won't be coming in tomorrow either.

(Scene: interior: a shotgun shack in another part of the world)

Mr. Big: (obviously not Chef, but using his voice) That's right, it's the flu. (fake cough) Well, keep Him away from the drawn butter and he'll be fine. I should be all right by Monday. (hangs up)

(We see that Chef is in the corner, tied up in a chair)

Mr. Big: (now speaking with an uppercrust English accent)It's all falling into place. Soon, the McCormick child will be dead, and my reign shall commence.

Chef: Dammit, Mr. Big, why the fudge do you want to kill Kenny. He hasn't done anything to you!

Mr. Big: I might as well explain it, Mr. McElroy. You see, when the McCormick boy is dead, I alone will possess the secret we now share... the secret of the edible Wonderbra!

Chef: Edible Wonderbra? That's the second biggest load of pigcrap I've ever heard.

Mr. Big: And yet, it shall be my ticket to immortality. You see, in the year 2525, there will be a great famine, and the only food available will be the edible Wonderbra. With McCormick out of they way, I shall invent the edible Wonderbra, and it will be my name people will speak in awe!

Chef: Your name? Just who the hell are you?

Mr. Big: Yes, I do believe I shall reveal my identity to you. I think you'll be rather surprised.

(He begins to remove his mask. We cut to a close up of Chef's shocked face)

Chef: I-it can't be! Not... you!

(Scene: interior, South Park's bar. Bender enters)

Bender: (still muttering) "Bender, don't smoke in the fireworks factory. Bender, release the hostages. Bender, you have the right to remain silent..."

Bartender: What can I get for you, Mr. Robot?

Bender: I need the cheapest, most alcoholic thing ya got.

Bartender: Let's see... that would be this pure wood alcohol I use to clean the bar.

Bender: Yeah, that's the stuff. (starts drinking it straight from the bottle)

Skeeter: Hey, robot!

Bender: Go away: (continues drinking)

Skeeter: I said "Hey, robot!"

Bender: Talk to the appendage, 'cause the auditory receptors ain't processin'.

Skeeter: Hey, we don't take kindly to sassy robots around here!

Bartender: Now, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' no one.

Bender: Like hell I ain't! (punches Skeeter with his extendo-arms)

(The barflies pile on and begin pummeling... something that isn't Bender, because Bender crawls out from the dogpile, holding an armful of stolen wallets, which he stuffs into his chest compartment)

Bender: Heh heh... like taking candy from a bunch of drunken morons.

(back at the teacher's lounge. Zoidberg has rejoined the gang)

Amy: Hey, I didn't need that extra bearskin after all! I got it working!

Leela: Good work, Amy. Let's get an idea of what to expect.

(Amy switches on the device, which looks like a fur-lined TV)

Leela: (watching) The assassination is due to happen at 3:00! That's two hours from now!

Zapp: Indeed... time is of the essence.

Fry: How'd you get in here?

Zapp: That's a story for another time. The important thing is that we make sure the boy dies.

Kif: Sir, we're actually here to protect the boy...

Zapp: Exactly! So, first, we must determine who the killer is.

Leela: We did that. It's that masked guy on the screen.

Zapp: Then, we have to find out where he is.

Amy: I tracked him to this cabin half a mile from here.

Zapp: ...Okay, then...

(Enter Bender)

Bender: I'm back, meatbags!

Leela: How'd you get back in here?

Bender: Same way Zapp did.

Fry: So how was your drunken crime spree?

Bender: So-so. Here, Amy, I got you yer bearskin.

Amy: (apalled) Bender, this is a "Backstreet Boys" T-Shirt!

Bender: Gahh!! Burn it!

Zapp: Anyway, IF YOU PEOPLE ARE FINISHED, I believe what this situation calls for is a daring raid on the assassin's headquarters.

Leela: Actually, that's a pretty good idea.

Zapp: It is? ... I mean, of course it is, I am the greatest space captain of all time.

Kif: (sigh)

Zapp: The team will consist of myself, Leela, and no one else.

Leela: Like hell.

Zapp: Aww...

Leela: You'll take Kif, Amy, Bender, and Zoidberg, and you'll like it.

Bender: Aw, no, I ain't goin' on no raid.

Zapp: Don't make me activate your patriotism circuit.

Bender: No, please no! I just had my heroism chip activated a couple hours ago! You'll fry my selfishness processor, not to mention my greed matrix! All right I'll go.

Leela: Good. Fry and I will stay here and keep an eye on Kenny.

(Zapp and the others leave)

Fry: Why, Leela....

Leela: We're NOT having a "moment" here.

Fry: Rats.

(The cabin: Zapp's team busts in through the front door.

Zapp: All right, hands up, vile fiend!

(interior shot of the cabin. Nobody's here except Chef, bound and gagged in a chair)

Zapp: So, you've cleverly tied yourself to a chair. But that won't save you now!

(Kif, Amy, Bender, and Zoidberg sigh and roll their eyes in unison)

Kif: Sir, I believe this man may have been held hostage by the actual assassin.

Zapp: Okay, Kif, I'll humor you. We'll release him, but you'd better not cross us, Mr. ... Funny hat guy!

Zoidberg: This looks like a job for the mighty claws of Zoidberg!

(He uses his claws to neatly snip the ropes holding Chef, who ungags himself)

Chef: Thank god you arrived, whoever the fudge you're supposed to be. The children are in terrible danger, and we have to... Well, helloooooo...

Amy: (shyly) Hi.

Zapp: There'll be time for that later! Where's the assassin?

Chef: He's headed over to the school even as we speak! He's going to shoot Kenny at 3:00, while he's waiting for the bus!

Bender: Yadda yadda yadda. What's the mook's name?

Chef: The assassin is none other than...

(Cut to the schoolyard. Fry and Leela are hiding behind a bush watching the kids with 31st century binoculars (Leela's, of course, have only one set of lenses))

Leela: Still no sign of the masked guy.

Fry: I've been meaning to ask you, Leela... what do you think of the 21st century?

Leela: This IS my first time, isn't it? These wide open spaces take getting used to. Back in the 31st century, this is just one big mall.

Fry: The whole town?

Leela: The whole state. Just one huge perfectly rectangular mall. See that swingset over there? It's a Burger Emperor. (sigh) Sometimes I wonder if all our progress was worth it.

Fry: Aw, don't say that! Back in our era, we don't have any racism, famine, disease...

Leela: Did you hear what you just said?

Fry: Sorry! I didn't mean it!

Leela: No! You said "Back in OUR era." That means you think of the 31st century as your home now!

Fry: Yeah... I guess I do, don't I?

(They lean closer, as if they're about to kiss. Suddenly, Leela's communicator goes off. Rats.)

Amy (over communicator): We're too late! The assassin's on his way over right now!

Leela: Did you find out his identity?

Amy: It's Mr. (garbled) ere!

Leela: Who?

Amy: (garbled)vedere!

Fry: Mr... Oh my god...

Leela: You know who this guy is?

Fry: Yes, I do... (dramatic) and may God have mercy on our souls. (normal again) Hey, I always wanted to say that.

Leela: Fry! There he is now!

(Leela points to where Mr. Big is taking aim at Kenny)

Fry (Running in slow motion): Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....

Leela: Better speed it up, Fry.

Fry: Oh, right.

(He starts running normally, and knocks Kenny out of the way of Mr. Big's bullet)

Mr. Big: Curses!

(Meanwhile, Zapp, Chef, and the others arrive)

Chef: All right, show's over... Mr. Belvedere!

(Belvedere removes his mask)

Belvedere: At last, I can put an end to this façade. Yes, I, Mr. Belvedere, am the prime mover of this whole plot.

Leela: What plot? All you did was try to shoot the kid.

Belvedere: Not true! I also kidnapped Chef!

Leela: Why?

Belvedere: I don't know why! The villain always kidnaps someone and ties him or her up.

Fry: But you're not evil!

Belvedere: Yes, I am! Haven't you been paying attention?

Fry: No. Think about it. This isn't what Mr. Belvedere would do. This is the kind of think he'd tell Kevin and Heather and Wesley not to do, but they'd go and do it anyway and then they'd lie about it and you'd catch them and you'd tell them that the thing that disappointed you most was that they lied about it and then you'd insult Bob Uecker... But I digress.

(sentimental music plays)

Belvedere: You're right. This isn't who I am. I'm no supervillain. I'm a wise, lovable, avuncular housekeeper from an 80's sitcom. I obviously need professional help.

(Barbrady arrives)

Barbrady: Forget about professional help, Mr. French, you're going up the river for a long time!

(Barbrady leads Belvedere away in handcuffs)

Leela: Well, that's it. Our work here is done.

(She walks past Amy and Chef, who are in the preliminary stages of making sweet, sweet love)

Leela: Come on, Amy. Time to go.

Amy: Awww....

Fry (joining them): I'm just glad everything worked out for the...

Stan (off-camera): Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle: (off-camera) YOU BASTARDS!!!

Leela: Wait a minute, what the hell just happened here?

Butters: Why, I saw the whole thing, I sure did, see, Kenny's just standing there, mindin' his own business, when all of a sudden, he gets an awful case of the sweats, and then, why, he starts vomiting all over the place, he sure does, an' then he just keels over and dies.

(Leela kneels down to examine Kenny's body, which is being nibbled at by rats)

Leela: According to my wrist-thingy, this looks like a massive case of tungsten poisoning.

Zoidberg (nervous): Oh, my, vhat kind of imbecile vould feed a child tungsten?

Leela: I didn't say he ate it. Come on, lets get back to the future.

Bender: If there's a future t'get back to.

Zapp: What's the hurry, Leela? We can make some history right here.

(He leans in close to Leela, as if to kiss her. Leela gets a nasty grin on her face. Suddenly, Zapp convulses in agony, and keels over)

Kif (unenthusiastic): Are you all right, sir?

(Zapp is lying on his side, clutching his groin)

Zapp (strained, and about an octave higher): I think she's weakening, Kif.

Kyle: You know, I learned something today. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to avoid fate, fate sneaks up on you. We like to think we have control over our destiny, but, in reality, we're all just pawn of a higher power. What is the nature of consciousness? Do we actually possess free will, or are we...

Cartman: Kyle, seriously, shut the hell up.

(Back to the Future!)

(The gang returns to PEHQ)

Leela: It doesn't look like anything's changed.

Prof: Good news, everyone! It looks like your mission was a success!

Fry: But that's impossible! We saw Kenny die!

Prof: Really? That can't be right.

Amy: 'Fraid so. He was eaten by rats and everything.

Prof: But... I just checked the Timeservascope and it reports the timeline is the same as before!

Cubert: Of course it was. It's impossible to change history. If Belvedere had succeeded, all he would have accomplished would have been to create an alternate timeline. You wound up back here because you're connected to this one. Any idiot who understands advanced quantum theory knows that.

Bender: Awright, then if Kenny died, who invented the edible Wonderbra?

Prof: I guess we'll never know for sure.

(21st Century South Park, one week after we left. The kids are waiting for the bus.)

Stan: Hey, Kenny.

Kenny: Mmmmph mmmmmph mmmmmmph mmmmmmph mmph mmmmmmmmph mmmph!

Kyle: Who'd want to eat a Wonderbra?

(Back to the future part II!)

Prof: Well done, everyone, even though this mission was completely pointless, what with alternate timelines and all.

(Enter Hermes, who has... TWO HEADS!!)

Hermes: By the final answer of Saint Regis, what horrors have you wrought?

Leela (shocked): H-hermes?

(Hermes removes the fake head)

Hermes (laughing): It's a fake, mon! You should have seen the look on your faces!

(Pan across the gang, looking really shocked (Bender's eyes are extended all the way out and the lines across his "teeth" are all spazzed out).)

Hermes: Yes, like that! (laughs)

(The gang still looks shocked)

Hermes (suddenly stern): Laugh or I can your sorry asses.

(everyone laughs)