(Author's note: Takes place after the "Secrets and Eyes" trilogy)
(Planet Express meeting table. The regular crew are gathered around the table (Fry, Leela, Amy, Bender, and Zoidberg. Hermes is standing, pointing to an elaborate chart)
Hermes: ...And dat concludes my presentation on why I like charts. Now, on to de matter of our unacceptably high sand bills.
Zoidberg: Oy, again vith the persecution...
Hermes: Silence! I haven't blamed you for anyt'ing yet! Now, let me consult me notes on de matter.
(He looks at a notebook. It says "Blame Zoidberg")
Hermes: I'm blamin' Zoidberg.
(Zoidberg groans and buries his head in his claws. Hermes is about to proceed when the Professor bursts into the room)
Prof: Good news, everyone! Guess who's back from boarding school for winter break!
(He steps aside. Quick cut to the crew, who scream in horror. Cut back. We see what frightened them...)
Cubert: Hi, guys!
(He grins evilly. Musical sting, and close up (like on Lester at the end of "The Day the Violence Died")
(Opening titles. Caption: If you can read this, Fox screwed up.)
(Interior, PE employee lounge. The guys are watching "All My Circuits")
Monique: Calculon... I have a terrible secret.
Calculon: What is it, my love?
Monique: You see... all along, I've really been... YOUR TWIN SISTER!
(The crew gasps)
Cubert: I can't believe you people watch this drivel.
Amy: Shhh!
Cubert: I mean, how can a robot have a sister? It's ridiculous! Not to mention that it completely violates continuity....
Bender: I'll violate YOUR continuity!... Uh, that sounded threatenin', right?
Fry: Oh, yeah. I was threatened.
Cubert: Don't you people have jobs? Is THIS what you do all day?
Fry: Yeah, pretty much...
Leela: Unless we have deliveries, which we don't.
Zoidberg: Or lives, vhich I don't...
Cubert: I'm gonna have a discussion with Hermes about this... (storms off)
Bender: Who does he think he is?
Leela: The owner's son?
Bender: Aw, man... I'm on the horns of a dilemna. Do I continue wit' my current path of blatant hostility... or go the suckup route?
Fry: They're both good ideas, but I'm stickin' with apathy. It got me this far.
(Hermes exits his office)
Hermes: Cubert told me ya're all sittin around an' watchin' de tube instead'a workin'
Fry: Yep.
Bender: Uh-huh.
Amy: Nothing broken, so...
Leela: No deliveries, so no piloting.
Zoidberg: Everyone's so healthy...
Hermes: Right, okay. (sighs) I hate dat little runt.
(All agree, with the notable exception of Leela)
Hermes: I'm just so sick o'him...
Zoidberg: Alvays vith the "Preposterous", and the "Impossible", and the "Stop, I don't HAVE gills..."
Amy: He doesn't respect my skills!
Bender: He draws attention away from my lovable antics!
Fry: He called me "stupid"!
(They look at him.)
Leela/Amy/Hermes/Zoidberg: Oh, right, right...
Hermes: Dat's it. He's outta here!
(Prof. F enters)
Prof: Even better news, everyone! I've found someone to fill the intern position Amy left open!
Hermes: Oh, don't tell me...
Prof: My clone, Cubert!
Hermes (fake): Oh, absolutely! He'll be perfect!
Prof: Very well. (leaves)
Bender (mocking): Dat's it. He's outta here!
(Cubert enters)
Cubert (smug): I bet you've heard the news. From now on, we're doing things different here.
Hermes: We certainly will. Now, your duties will consist of anyt'ing we tell you to do. Your immediate superior will be... everybody.
Cubert (surprised): Even Scruffy?
Hermes: ESPECIALLY Scruffy. Now, the one thing I absolutely (wink) do not want to see is any sort of hazing.
Fry: Okay.
Hermes: I mean it. I absolutely (wink wink) will NOT tolerate hazing in any form.
Amy: Gotcha.
Hermes: Let me put it dis way. Under NO (wink) circumstances (wink) are you to, say, use de paddles (wink) located in the on de lowest shelf of de supply cabinet to paddle his arse (wink) until it swells like a green snake after too much sugar cane. Understand (wink)?
Leela: Is something wrong with your eye?
Hermes: I give up. (leaves. As does Cubert)
Fry: Hey, now that Old Man Conrad's gone, we can start with the hazing!
Leela: FRY!
Amy: Right. I'll get the tar and feathers.
Leela: AMY!
Bender: An' I'll get th'cattle prod an' brandin' iron
Leela: BEND... oh, wait, that's normal for you.
(She stares down Fry and Amy)
Leela: Fry, I can understand. But I expect better from you...
Amy: Aw, c'mon. We did this kinda thing all the time to KKW's new pledges.
Leela: Have you ever considered that maybe he's looking for acceptance?
Fry: He has a funny way of doin' it. Yesterday, he called me a boil on humanity's ass.
Bender: Nah, that was me.
Fry: No, you called me a WART on humanity's ass.
Bender: Welp, they say th'RAM's th'first thing t'go...
Leela: He's just lashing out at the world because the world lashes out at him.
Amy: Well, maybe the world lashes out at him because he's a snot-nosed little gwork?
Leela: Try to see the good in him...
Amy: Thinks he's so smart. I've upgraded half the systems on that ship, kicked fuel efficiency up to 300%, and he still treats me like some stupid bimbo! Ngo da si nei...
Leela: You have to understand what it's like to be an outcast.
Bender: I'm leavin' before this turns inta one'a them "When I was growin' up in the Orphanarium" stories.
Leela: When I was growing up in the Orphanarium...
Bender: Ah, crap, too late.
Leela: ...people used to tease me mercilessly because of my eye. Eventually, I gave up on ever having friends. It was years before I was able to deal with people again. I don't want the same to happen to Cubert. Maybe if people started being nice to him, he'd be nicer to people. And I'm gonna be the one to start.
(Cubert reenters the room.)
Leela (freindly): Oh, good. Just who I want to see. How'd you like to get some ice cream with us after work?
Cubert: Oh, please, as if I'd be seen in public with the loser squ... fudge ripple?
Leela: If you want... we just want to start off again on the right foot. (prodding) RIGHT?
(The others wear forced smiles.)
Fry (insincere): Oh, yeah.
Amy (equally insincere): Absolutely.
Bender (sincere): Bite me.
(Leela looks daggers at him.)
Bender: I mean yeah.
Zoidberg: Vha? I vas hibernating. Did somebody say something about food?
(Ext. shot: Ben & Jeraxador's. Interior, Leela, Fry, Bender, Zoidberg, Amy, and Cubert at one of the booths, eating various concoctions (Bender's is a malt liquor malted, and Zoidy's has tentacles coming out of it. While we watch, he swallows it whole, and keels over in a sugar coma.)
Leela: So, what's going on in everyone's lives?
Amy: I just got my fifth patent. (sneeringly, to Cubert) So, how many do YOU have so far?
(Cubert scowls. Leela kicks Amy under the table)
Leela: What about you, Cubert?
Cubert: Nothing that I want to discuss in front of the peanut-sized-brain gallery here.
(Fry, Bender and Amy scowl.)
Bender (whispering): Still got th'brandin' iron...
Cubert: How they manage to walk erect amazes me.
Amy (shoving her sundae into Cubert's face): I'm done. See ya tomorrow. (leaves)
Bender: Fer once, th'bimbo's got the right idea.
(He takes Fry's sundae and dumps it on Cubert's head. He leaves, too.)
Leela: Oh, come on, you're not giving this a chance...
Fry: Forget it, Leela. I'm not gonna sit here and be insulted. I'm gonna go home and be insulted!
Bender (OC): Move it, bonesack!
Fry: Coming!
(He leaves, leaving Leela, a messy Cubert, and a comatose Zoidberg)
Leela: I'm sorry, Cubert. They can be very immature sometimes.
Cubert: I've come to expect this sort of thing from inferior intellects. But you're okay.
Leela: Maybe if you didn't constantly insult them....
(Cubert snorts)
Leela: I mean it. You have to be a friend if you want friends.
Cubert: Who'd want them as friends?
Leela: Me...
Cubert: Why? You're better than them!
Leela: It isn't about who's "better". I'm not as strong as Bender, I don't understand technology like Amy, and Fry... well... uh... I like Fry...
Cubert: I see... well, maybe I could try not to point out their obvious shortcomings...
(Leela smiles. Cubert looks nervous)
Cubert's Brain: What is this strange sensation overcoming me? I feel a strange affinity to this woman...
Cubert's Libido: It's called a crush, you egghead!
Cubert: A "crush". Fascinating.
(The next day at PE The crew is loading cargo into the ship... or rather, Cubert is...)
Amy: And when you're done with that, I need my screws sorted by size, type, and personality.
Bender: An' I need th' leftovers from las' night's dinner subdued an' caged.
Fry: And I need... well, I'll think of something. Something demeaning.
(Leela enters)
Leela (indignant): I can't believe you're taking advantage of him like that. Cubert, take a break. The rest of the crew can load the ship.
(Fry, Bender and Amy groan, and begin loading. Cubert shoots Leela a look of gratitude. )
Fry: So, what's everyone doing for Valentine's day?
Bender: Th'usual.
Fry: Hookers and booze?
Bender: Ya-ha.
Amy: I sent my boyfriend one of those animated erotic cakes, with me in a boudoir pose...
(Cut to Zapp eating a cake)
Kif (pleading): At least, save me her face...
Zapp: Nonsense, Kif. I like my men fighting trim. (takes another bite) I find the most tasty part of the erotic cake to be the boobies...
(Kif groans...)
(back to OFDC)
Fry (hopeful): What about you, Leela?
Leela: Oh, I have plans...
(She imagines herself reorganizing her closet)
Leela: ...BIG plans...
(She sighs. Amy, Bender, and Fry exit)
Cubert: Now that we're alone, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.
Leela: Oh?
Cubert: Yeah, I was wondering if you'd go out with me...
Leela (incredulous): Excuse me?
Cubert: See, you're the first girl who was ever nice to me...
Leela: You'e sweet, but you're also 67.3% of my age...
Cubert: So, you're saying no...
Leela: Yeah, afraid so... but it was sweet of you to ask. Bye...
(she exits)
Cubert: You WILL be mine...
(cut to Cubert's Secret Laboratory (no, not David Edney's site :-) ). Cubert's experimenting with chemicals)
Cubert: Oh, yessss....
(We see a rack of test tubes, labeled "Love Potions No. 1-8")
Cubert: ...you WILL be mine.
(Later. The crew returns from their delivery... batterred as usual)
Bender: All's I'm sayin' is, what's th'big deal wit' takin' somet'in from th' cheese platter?
Leela: It was their GOD, that's why!
Fry: That has to be the stupidest religion I've ever seen. And I once got brainwashed by a cult that worshipped Don Knotts.
Leela: (sigh) I need coffee.
(Cubert brings her a cup)
Leela: Why, thank you! See? It pays to be nice.
(She sips it, then gets a funny look in her eye...)
Cubert: It's my own special blend...
Leela: Uh, Cubert, I've reconsidered... I will go out with you!
Fry: HOLD IT!! Did you hear what you just said?
Cubert (ignoring him): Le Zerk okay with you?
Leela: Just fine.
Fry: I can't believe this! This is completely wrong! And probably illegal! And definitely creepy!
Leela: Fry, if you can't understand that I love Cubert Farnsworth with all my heart and soul, then maybe I don't need you in my life.
(She strides out with Cubert. Amy's just getting off the ship when she sees it.)
Amy: Sk'uh? Did I miss something?
Fry: Yeah, you missed Leela going completely out of her mind. She's actually going out with Cubert tommorrow night!
Amy: Leela... and Cubert? What's next, Scruffy and Zoidberg?
Scruffy: Not if Scruffy has anythin' t'say about it...
Fry: There's something wrong here, and I'm gonna put a stop to it.
Amy: Well, you can count on my help. Partly because I think Leela deserves better, but mostly, I just don't LIKE the little troll.
Bender: An' I'll help 'cause I like wreckin' relationships.
Zoidberg: And I just vant to be part of the gang...
Fry: Great! Commence operation "Make Leela and Cubert's Date Not Very Good!"
(They do that "Everyone stacks their hands to cement a deal" thing)
(The next day...)
Cubert: Ready for a magical night?
Leela: With you, every night is magical.
(They leave, hand in hand...)
Fry: Ugh, that's sickening...
Amy: Yeah...
Bender: To me, yer all sickenin'... but I digress. You guys all prepared?
Amy: I have the disguises... (She takes out several pairs of Groucho Glasses)
Fry: Those won't fool anyone!
Amy: You think? (She puts on a pair... she is transformed into a green Orion Animal Woman) Yeah, I guess you're right...
Bender: Gimme! (He puts on a pair, and becomes Abraham Lincoln) Sweeeet... nobody suspects Lincoln.
Fry: Did you invent those?
Amy: Uh huh... pretty cool, huh?
Zoidberg: Mine don't vork...
Amy: Of course not, those are just Groucho glasses.
Fry (putting on his... he becomes a 17th century nobleman) So, let's go crash the party!
(Exterior: "Le Zerk" dinner theater and cabaret (Marquee: Acting Unit 532 *is* Acting Unit 531 in "The Acting Unit 530 Story"). Interior: Leela and Cubert are seated at one of the tables.)
Leela: How did you know I love dinner theater?
Cubert: I extrapolated from your personality traits and arrived at that conclusion.
Leela (gushing) You're soooo smart...
(Front desk)
Fry (pompous): Greetings, I am Lord Thizzlewick von Pimplebottom, and these are my associates, Zara the animal woman, Abraham Lincoln, and the illegitimate descendant of Groucho Marx.
Zoidberg (waggling a cigar): Greetings...
Maitre'D (barely concealed hostility): Get... out...
(Amy hisses)
Fry: Look, now you've upset her...
Maitre'D: Couldn't you at least come up with plausible disguises?
Bender: What? How dare you besmirch th'name a' th'greatest president ever?
Amy: Forget it, it's over.
(She and Fry loop their arms around Bender's and drag him off...)
Bender: You ain't heard th'last of Honest Abe! I'll kick yer ass four-score an' seven ways from Sunday!
(Outside, Fry and Amy discard their disguise glasses)
Amy: Well, these were a waste...
Fry: We gotta get in there somehow...
(He spots a hovervan labeled "The Fabulous Mariachi Brothers". Four men in Mariachi costumes disembark with their instruments and equipment and head toward the rear entrance of the restaurant)
Fry: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Amy: Yeah, that trumpet player could seriously stand to lose a few pounds...
Fry: No... c'mon, follow me!
(They follow the Fabulous Mariachi Brothers out of sight into the alley behind the restaurant. Sounds of a struggle... now cut to the alley. The PE crew and the Mariachi brothers stand over four unconscious thugs.
Pablo Mariachi: Gracias, mi amigos. Those guys wanted to knock us out and steal our Mariachi outfits so they could sneak inside!
Zoidberg: The fiends!
Rafael Mariachi: How can we repay you?
Fry: You could get us inside...
Pablo: Anything...
Amy: Thanks a-- BENDER!!
Bender (about to knock Pablo out with a lead pipe): What?
(Back inside...)
Cubert: Shall we order, my darling?
Leela: Yes, I'd like to start with the Alogolian salad...
Waiter: Excellent choice... and for your nephew?
Cubert: I'm her date!
Waiter (condescending): Of course you are...
Cubert: I'll have what she's having.
Waiter: And to drink?
Leela: I'll have a lemonade...
Cubert: NO!!!!
Waiter: I beg your pardon?
Cubert: Uh, I mean, she's allergic to citrus.
Leela: No I'm not...
Cubert: She's kidding. She'll have a Diet Slurm.
Waiter (groaning): I don't have to do this, you know, I'm a writer...
(He walks away...)
(Backstage... Fry, Amy and Zoidberg are now clad in formalwear from the Emergency Formalwear Kit that Bender always carries)
Amy: Okay, what's the next step in the plan?
Fry: Plan...?
Bender: I knew it! Five bucks, mudbug.
Zoidberg: Aw, I vas gonna buy new sandals... (He forks it over)
Fry: I was kinda hoping that we'd just show up and she'd snap out of it...
Amy: What, she'd just fall in love at th--
(The Emcee grabs her arm)
Emcee: THERE you are! You're on in three minutes!
Amy: Huh? There must be some mistake.
Emcee: Come on! (He drags her away)
Fry: Aw, nuts... I just thought of a plan, but I needed her for a distraction...
Bender: Well, if it's a distraction ya want, jus' leave it ta the ol' rail-splitter. (He puts on the Abe Lincoln glasses)
Fry: Bender, no explosives! My chest hair still hasn't grown back!
Bender: I promise... nuthin'.
(He leaves...)
(Back in the dining area...)
Cubert: ...So I said, "Those variables are INDETERMINATE!"
Leela (chuckling): Oh, you are soooo funny...
(The lights dim, while the lights around the stage brighten...)
Leela: Oh, the show's atarting...
(The Emcee comes out on stage...)
Emcee: We have a great show tonight, ladies, gentlemen, and flethnargs... first up, our own.... Amber Nightingale!
(Amy walks out on stage, a bit confused...)
Amy: Uh, what do I do?
Emcee: Sing something...
Amy: Okay...
(She clears her throught...)
Amy: Another bride...
Another June...
Another sunny... honeymoon...
Another season...
Another reason...
For makin' snu-snu...
(A cheer goes up from the crowd...)
Leela: I didn't know she sang... she's pretty good.
Cubert: Yeah, if you like off-key screeching...
Amy: A lotta shoes...
A lotta rice...
The groom is nervous...
He answers...
(Suddenly, Bender bursts onstage, knocking Amy aside...)
Bender (spooky): I am the ghost of Abe Lincoln! I am displeased with all of you! Gimme money, or face my mighty wrath...
(The customers panic and flee...)
Bender: Don't try to run... You can't escape Lincoln...
Amy: Bender...! They liked me.
Bender: Quiet! Lincoln deamnds quiet!
Amy: Give me those! (yanks the disguise glasses off...)
(Leela walks up to the stage)
Leela: Okay, what's going on here...
(Fry rushes out from backstage)
Fry: Leela, can't you see what a terrible mistake you're making? You shouldn't be with him!
Leela: I'll be with whoever I want to be with!
Fry: But you don't really wanna be with him! He's put some kind of whammy on you!
Leela: Oh, really?
Fry: Look at him! He's short, fat, obnoxious, and way too young for you!
Leela: No, he's sweet, intelligent, and wonderful...
Amy (whispering) She's delusional...
Leela: And he cares about my welfare... just before, he stopped me from ordering the iced tea because I'm allergic to citrus...
Fry: Wha? You drink lemonade all the time!
Leela: Exactly! I had no idea what damage I was doing to myself...
(She rejoins Cubert)
Leela: C'mon, sweetheart, let's enjoy the rest of the evening... it's obvious my so-called "friends" can't deal with the fact that we're made for each other.
(She resumes listening to his ramblings with a loving gaze...)
Amy: That's just... so wrong in so many ways...
Fry: I can't believe she's attracted to that little jerk and he won't even let her have lemonade... hmmm... won't let her have lemonade... won't let her have lemonade... That's it! I'm gonna... BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA HIM!
(He jumps off the stage and strides toward Cubert)
Leela: Fry, what do you think you're --
(Fry hauls off and punches Cubert... Leela's eye narrows in anger...)
Leela: You lay off my man...
(She pulls Fry off of Cubert and starts whaling on him...)
Amy: I gotta stop this somehow... wait, that's it!
(She makes a mad dash for the kitchen, where she finds a bloated Zoidberg lying on one of the tables...)
Zoidberg: Oy... I'll never eat again... (He snarfs up a stray cream puff...)
Amy: Please tell me you didn't eat everything...
Zoidberg: There's a lemon merringue pie in the oven. I vould have eaten it except I can't seem to move or breathe anymore...
Amy: That's perfect! I just hope she forgives me...
Zoidberg: (groan) Food... coming out... every orifice...
Amy (retrieving pie): Ewwww....
(Back in the dining area)
Leela: How dare you try to break us up!
(She kicks Fry in the stomach...)
Fry: Oww... It's only because I care about... (He gets a punch in the face) OW! Not in the face!
Leela: I thought we were friends, Fry, but you're trying to separate me from my one true love! (She puts him in a headlock)
Fry: But OWWW! Pain! And not the good non-painful kind of pain!
Leela: I'll convince you of my love for him if I have to beat you to death to do it!
Amy: Hey, Leela!
Leela (looking up) What do you want? I'm busy killing Fr--
(She's hit in the face with the lemon merringue pie)
Leela: Arrrggh... (she wipes it off her face and takes a taste... ) Mmm, that's good...
Cubert: Oh, no, my potion's been neutralized!
Leela (realizing): Potion?
(She turns on Cubert)
Leela: WHAT potion?
Cubert: Uh...
Leela (to camera): This is about to get ugly... look over there.
(The camera obliges and shifts over to Bender, who mugs for the camera while we hear the sounds of Cubert getting the crap pounded out of him. The camera shifts back, and we get one glimpse of Leela pounding on him. Leela gives it a dirty look, and it quickly shifts over to where Amy's doing her nails...)
Amy: This could take a while...
(The camera shifts over to Fry, who's lying dazed on the floor... Finally, Leela finishes, and comes over to Fry.)
Leela: Fry, I'm sorry I hurt you... are you okay?
Fry (dazed): I'm a big boy today....
Leela: Fry, please! Say something coherent! Snap out of it!
(Fry remains in a haze...)
Leela (pleading tones): I'm so sorry...
(She leans in and kisses him... Fry immediately snaps awake. Leela opens her eye, notices he's alert, pulls away suddenly...)
Leela: Uh... mouth-to-mouth... that's what that was. I'm sorry about the... gotta go.
(She runs off... passing Cubert, who looks like... ever see Beetle Bailey after the Sarge beats the snot out of him? Cubert makes him look healthy by comparison.)
Fry: Hey, wait! Is it my breath? Aww...
Bender: Don't, ah... what's that thing ya do when yer all hot?
Fry: Sweat?
Bender: Yeah, don't sweat it. There's plenty a' fish in the sea. So let's go eat some fish, an' ferget about women. Who needs 'em!
Amy: Hey, I resent that!
Bender: No offense, Amy. I don't think a' you as a woman. I think a' you more like an ATM machine.
Amy: Bite my sexy human ass. Let's go catch a movie or something.
(The three leave, passing the Cubert Carcass, which twitches...)
Cubert: Owie...
(Closing credits)