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(The starship USS Voyager flies overhead)

JANEWAY: Captain's Log. It has been another long day of burying dead ensigns, avoiding Borg cubes, and trying to keep my hairdo some what consistent for at least two seasons. Meanwhile, I have the bridge......

(Shot of the usual bridge crew)

CHAKOTAY:....and that's why part of my 'tattoo' is really part a skillet that was burned on in my youth.
TUVOK: That story was illogical, Commander.
CHAKOTAY; Shaddup, Tuvok.
TUVOK: (mumbling as Janeway comes on the bridge with the officious Neelix) Illogical ass......
JANEWAY: Report.
KIM: Well........uh.........nothing much has changed since you asked us for a report the last time, ma'am.
JANEWAY: When was that?
PARIS: Two seconds ago.
JANEWAY: Oh.

(Harry looks at the viewscreen for a while)

KIM: Hey, did you guys notice we're actually going too fast?
JANEWAY: Analysis.
KIM: Well, look at the stars.........their speeding by WAY too fast.........if we were going this speed, we would have reached Earth halfway in the 2nd/3rd season.
PARIS: Ya know, I think he's right......
JANEWAY:  Good work, Ensign. I may finally actually promote you for that one.........

SEVEN: (interrupting off screen) Seven of Nine to the Bridge.
JANEWAY: Go ahead.
SEVEN (O.S.): I am detecting a strange craft 2 light years from our position.
CHAKOTAY: We should go investigate.
JANEWAY: No, Chakotay, we can't......remember, the Prime Directive? We can't brake it.....

(Pause. Everyone breaks out laughing hystrically....even Seven and Tuvok......)

JANEWAY: (wiping away tears) Oh, mercy......Seriously now, let's do it! Enter the co-ordinates, Tom. Warp 2!

(Shot of Voyager folding her warp nacelles and warping away.)

(Yet another shot of Voyager coming out of warp, pan with the ship as it encounters the vessel......)

JANEWAY: Analysis.
PARIS: That's three......
CHAKOTAY: What was that, Lt.?
PARIS: Harry and I are keeping a tally of how many times the captain says 'Report' or 'Analysis' today......
KIM: We're up to 200........in this hour alone.
JANEWAY: You can forget the promotion for another planetary alignment, Mr. Kim.

(Harry pouts. Seven enters.)

JANEWAY: Report, Seven.
KIM: (whispering) Four, Tom.......
JANEWAY: Shaddup, Harry. What have you got, Seven.
SEVEN: The ship is what appears to be a cargo carrier. I am reading three life signs aboard, one of which is a robotic being. The Borg have not yet encountered this species. In truth.........(being a normal human) The damn thing's got an overbite!
TUVOK: Illogical.
CHAKOTAY: Aw, you say that all the time, Tuvok!
TUVOK: No I don't, Commander. You are being illogical. (pauses) Wait. No.
JANEWAY: Hail them.

(The screen comes to life...with three VERY familiar certain characters.........)

JANEWAY: I am Captain Katherine Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager, Intrepid Class, Starfleet registry number 76584, 146 life forms.........
KIM: I think they get the point, Captain............

(The other ship responds........)

LEELA: I'm Leela. I'm Captain of the........uh............Planet Express cargo ship. We come in pe....

(Fry runs up to the screen)

FRY: Holy Moley!!! JERI RYAN!!!!!!!!!
SEVEN: That is incorrect. I am Seven of Nine, tertiary adjunct to unimatrix 01 Drone number 4565757575787588585, near the soda machine.
LEELA: Whoa, Fry! Do you know these people?
FRY: Do I? This is the bridge crew of the USS Voyager! Captain Janeway.........Commander Chakotay.............Lts Tuvok and Paris........Ensign Kim.............(drooling) Seven of Nine.........that, ass ugly, disturbing thing with the beard in the corner...........
NEELIX: My name is NEELIX! NEELIX! I'm the morale officer and ship's cook! I get to go to tactical meetings, though I have no place there!!!
PARIS: Harry, Neelix needs to go walkies again..........I think it's your turn this week.

(Neelix growls)

KIM: (whacking him over the head with a tricorder) Bad Neelix, bad!
LEELA: Um.........
FRY: Uh.............
BENDER: I got twenty on the Ensign!
JANEWAY: We have repairs that must be dealt with. We escaped from Seska for the fourth time this week, and the Borg the eighth time this day, and we must make repairs to the ship.
LEELA: We can easily accommodate you..........follow us..............
JANEWAY: Thank you very much. Mr. Paris, follow them at impulse......Engage.

(With music similar to the pan out of the P.E. ship heading for the center of the Atlantic in 'The Deep South',  Voyager and the Planet Express ship fly side by side down through the atmosphere and into New New York. The P.E. ship lands in the offices while Voyager settles into the river......on a giant rubber duckie sprouting from it's bottom.....)

HERMES: (gazing at the spectacle) Great wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald! I hope they filled out a requisition for all that rubber!

(On land, The bridge crew from before + B'Elanna Torres beams ashore)

FARNSWORTH: Oh my! Where did you find such strange creatures?
FRY: Meh, they followed us home.......

(Tuvok is scanning Farnsworth)

TUVOK: I am showing an illogical age for the creature.
FARNSWORTH: Don't you back talk me, young man with fairy-type pointy ears! Just how old are you?
TUVOK: I am 160 years old.
FARNSWORTH: Ha! So am I!
TUVOK: (walks off, mumbling) I find someone older then me someday......(yells) At least I have hair!

(Farnsworth catches sight of Neelix.)

FARNSWORTH: (pointing) What the hell is THAT thing?
NEELIX: I am Talaxian..........
FARNSWORTH: Or a talking dog turd! You're both the same kind of dumb crap!

(Neelix growls. Meanwhile, back on Voyager........)

(Dr. Zoidberg has apparently reached the Doc's office. He is sniffing around.)

ZOIDBERG: Look at all the pretty doodads. I can probably trade something in for a new claw........what does the button do..?........(presses it)
EMH: (fading in) Please state the nature of the med.....(sees Zoidberg) What the heck are you.
ZOIDBERG: I, am Dr. Zoidberg, a most trusted Ph.D.
EMH: I see.
ZOIDBERG: Yeah, so do I. I can see too. (waves his claw in front of the Doc's nose) Although it appears you're blind........

(The EMH rolls his eyes.)

(Back YET AGAIN on dry land.........Tom Paris has a crowd of Voyager and P.E. people crowding around him.)

PARIS: OK everyone, take your bets! Which is bigger!

(Leela and Seven, who are swapping 'It's-hard-to-be-a-unique-young-woman-in-my-workplace' stories and ship schematics, pause as they walk by)

SEVEN: Mr. Paris, state the purpose of your activities.
PARIS: I am holding a betting contest.....
LEELA: Oh? what's the occasion?
PARIS: I'm seeing who's breasts are bigger: Yours or Seven's.........
SEVEN: You are irrelevant.....really!

(In an un-Seven-like gesture, Seven flings her arms back. Unfortunately, Amy gets whacked in the side of the neck by the Borgified hand. What's more, the tubes of assimilation come out and stab into Amy's neck, starting the assimilation process........)

AMY: YEOWCH!!!!!! (swearing in her language, rubbing her neck)
LEELA: Cool it Amy........

(Amy's skin starts to go gray and her veins start bulging black..........)

AMY: (something her language) Ai yi! What's happening!??!
LEELA: Shh.....Amy!
PARIS: Come on girls, it's just a bit of fun........
SEVEN: Ensign Kim, did you participate in this?
KIM: Huh?!? No! Er, uh......I..........A.......E.........I........O.......U........sometimes Y........

(Amy has a implant shove itself out of her temple. She feels it and runs off screaming as more pop out in various places.)

SEVEN: Ensign, divulge the information.
KIM: All right, I did! I voted for you.
SEVEN: Elaborate.
KIM: I like you, OK?
SEVEN: You do? Then you wish to copulate.
KIM: What!?? No! That's not true!!
SEVEN: Ensign Kim, we are going to copulate. (reaches for suit zipper)  Resistance is futile.

(From the back, Seven unzips her suit. Harry gawks.)

KIM: Holy Sh-.....!!

(Seven tackles him off screen. I think it's obvious what kinds of sounds are happening right now...:-) )

PARIS: Hey, that's not fair! He's only an Ensign, and he's scoring!!
LEELA: (raising her eyebrow) BIG time.

(B'Elanna walks in.........)

TORRES: Hey......Tom.........does that give you any ideas?
PARIS: No......what are you talking about B'Elan-.....?

(Torres tackles him with a lustful Klingon growl and........ya know.........)

LEELA: (looking at the viewer, disgusted/amazed) And THIS is the show that gets higher publicity then us!??

(Fry comes in)

FRY: Hey Leela.....(gulps)........any ideas coming to your mind?...(smirks)
LEELA: (appalled) Of course not, you sick freak!

(Fry looks hurt)

LEELA: (scooping up Fry in her arms, carrying him off) We're going to a more private place.
FRY: YES!!!!!!!!!

(Tuvok walks in as Fry and Leela exit.)

TUVOK: (looking around) Illogical.
PARIS/TORRES/SEVEN/KIM: Shove it, Tuvok!

(As Tuvok walks off, he comes across Bender, who is drinking.)

TUVOK: (looking at Bender) It is illogical that you need that much liquor.
BENDER: Bend me.
TUVOK: Although we Vulcans do have good strength, it would be illogical to manipulate you with it.
BENDER: So, you're a Vulcan......that means you can withstand pain?
TUVOK: To some degrees, that is correct.
BENDER: Well, how about........THIS?!?!

(Bender starts to kick Tuvok in the crotch repeatedly. He wears a bland face.)

(Chakotay and Janeway are walking along the riverside together. Leela comes running up to them.)

LEELA: (straightening her mussed hair/snapping her wrist comm together) Hey, have you guys seen Amy Wong?
CHAKOTAY: Who?
LEELA: The young Oriental intern.........black hair, cute face, pink sweat suit.........
JANEWAY: Are you sure you haven't confused her with Ensign Kim? That's a dead ringer to him......even the fact of wearing pink at times........(sniggers)
LEELA: (groan) Never mind.........

(As Leela walks off, a fully Borgified Amy lunges out of the nearby bushes and grabs Leela by the shoulders, pulling her into the bush head first. The sounds of assimilation: the injection of nanoprobes, Leela's groans of pain intermixed with that of flesh and metal puncturing each other, and the moaning dying off to a silence and then TWO sets of Borg footsteps goes on as Voyager's officers talk)

CHAKOTAY: And don't get me started on Neelix's clothing! Jeeze!
JANEWAY: What about my hair? It can't stay put for half a season!
CHAKOTAY: And this hideous tattoo I have! It's probably eating my brains......
JANEWAY: Oh, really?
CHAKOTAY: Me lose brain? (does a raspberry) Uh oh!

(Both laugh)

JANEWAY: I've been hearing everyone's been having sex from my ship! This can't be allowed!
CHAKOTAY: Really? They can't even give in to their biological urges?
JANEWAY: You try mixing humans, Borg, and Klingon!
CHAKOTAY: (leading her towards the bushes) How about human to human, Kate...?
JANEWAY: Chakotay, that would break rules and regulations of Starfleet like a bunch of toothpicks!
CHAKOTAY: Oh, yeah.
JANEWAY: (raspberry) Big whoop.

(She shoves Chakotay into the bushes. On Voyager..........)

ZOIDBERG: And then I had to fight Fry to the crab-plah for a lady named Edna. I cut off his arm, and then put it on the wrong side! It was funny!
EMH: But you broke the Doctor's code: Never hurt a patient.
ZOIDBERG: Bah.
EMH: Well, 'I' nearly killed several people when my program was corrupted........I injured. Ms. Torres badly........almost committed an   atrocity by playing Raffi records on the comms.....

(Fry is wandering through the offices looking for Leela. His jacket is inside out, and his hair is still ruffled.)

FRY: Hey Bender, have you see Lee.....OH MY GOD!!

(Bender is trying to bend Tuvok like a girder. Of course, Tuvok has such a stick up his ass, he resists.)

FRY: Bender, put him down!!!
BENDER: Fine..........(throws him aside somewhere) Now whattya want?
FRY: Have you seen Leela? Or Amy?
BENDER: They're behind you......(sentimental) and they wanna hug.....!!

(Fry reels around, to find his assimilated friends advancing towards him.)

FRY: (In their POV) Hey girls! How are ya! You guys look different......you losing weight already? (gasp) Wait a sec! You've been assimilated by the Boogs!.I THINK that's their name, anyway! Hey.........what are you doing........Leela, don't do that.........no, no.........(the tubules plunge into his neck, his skin/viens start going grey/black) NNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Back in Sickbay.........)

EMH: ..........and I can sing, dance, joke, and read the Bible in two minutes. What can you do?
ZOIDBERG: I can eat entire species of animal in the space of a few months.
EMH: (raising an eyebrow) Indeed.
NEELIX: (running in) Oh doctor, doctor!
EMH: What do you want, you un-nerving toad?
NEELIX: The brute of a robot injured Tuvok!!
EMH: How so?
NEELIX: See for yourself!
EMH: Good gad.

(Tuvok walks in, hunched over and curled in a 'C' shape.)

TUVOK: Mr. Bender has illogically bent me around.
EMH: I see. Well, this should be no problem for a capable, supreme, sentient  program like myself.......
ZOIDBERG: I see the problem........you're on a rigid stake! I'll just remove it! (grabs a long, iron rod prodruding from Tuvok's rear......)

(Cut to the outside of Voyager)

TUVOK: (gradually becoming dorky and energetic at the end) No......that is the rod of logic and stiffness for Vulcans......it would be illogical to move it...... ....NNNNNNOOOOOOOOooooooo...oh, Golly gee, that feels good!!!!!!!!

(Janeway addresses her blushing, flustered, clothes fixing troops as she does so herself........)

JANEWAY: As Starfleet officers, you are to be rigid, unfeeling people.....like myself. As of now, no more sex, hugs, kisses, winks, thoughts, or ideas of love........do I make myself clear?
SEVEN/KIM/PARIS/TORRES: (bored, looking downward) Yes......
JANEWAY: Good.....
CHAKOTAY: (sticking his head out of the bush nearby) Captain, I can't find my underwear......!
JANEWAY: Oh, hush Chakotay! (shoves him into the bush)

(As Chakotay finally comes out of the bushes, three cyborg characters walk up from behind......)

FRY/LEELA/AMY: (monotone) We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
JANEWAY: Oh great, now we screwed up the natives and violated the Prime Directive.
CHAKOTAY: What Prime Directive?
JANEWAY: Oh yeah.
KIM: Kim to Tuvok.
TUVOK: Wwwwaaaaassssssssssuuuuuppppppppp Harry!?!?!?!?!??!
KIM: Uh.....we have a situation with the Borg here........
TUVOK: Okiedokie, I'll be right there!

(Tuvok beams in.....with a big, dopey smile on his face.)

TUVOK: So, what's da problem!?
PARIS: My gosh, Tuvok isn't stiff!
JANEWAY: They must have removed his rod of Vulcan-ness (slaps badge) Neelix, if you can, please bring me Tuvok's rod.........
KIM: Heh, heh........she said rod..........

(Neelix appears with a long rod that has a bunch of V's on it)

JANEWAY: Excellent........now hold still Tuvok..........
CHAKOTAY: (backing away from the Borg trio) Uh, Capt., ya better hurry up.......
TUVOK: Aw, this sucks, man........I hate be all (mimicking) 'logical' and crap.........come on........don't do that......it's........illogical to restore the rod........Thank you, Capt.
JANEWAY: Anytime.........now how about an idea for saving our asses, hmm?
TUVOK: Alas, I have none. As you humans say, I believe 'we're f*#ked.....'

(Suddenly, Bender comes out of nowhere, brandishing a bottle)

BENDER: You nutsos turned my beer caches into clumps of metal!! I'll show you.....!

(He hurls a bottle at one of the drones, splattering it with beer. The implants suddenly follow out, and Fry's skin returns to normal. Bender, not noticing, chucks more bottles at the other two.)

FRY: Wha...? Wha happened? (moan) Don't tell me I sleep-walked into a burning building again......

(Harry shoves a scanner into Fry's face)

KIM: Incredible! A 100% restoration of normal human tissues!
TORRES: (scanning the now-normal Leela and Amy) Here too!
SEVEN: It appears the robot has found the perfect antibody to Borg assimilation: 'Beer'.
JANEWAY: Amazing.
TUVOK: Illogical.
KIM: Cool.
LEELA: Oh my goodness......I can think for myself again! I'm not half metal.........(looks at Amy) I'm not sharing thoughts about a certain somebody.........(grabs Fry's hand)

(Amy growls in her language as an enraged Hermes storms over.....)

HERMES: There you three are! You're late for a delivery! Just for that, I'm docking your pay!
LEELA: But Hermes, you don't understand! We were injected with this black oil that transformed into these horrible, half metal slaves that had no freedom of thought or movement, or......
HERMES: Well, I've had me brain sucked out too! No excuse! NO PAY!! (storms off)

(Fry, Leela, and Amy stand shocked for a minute........then slowly turn towards the Voyager crew, glaring pure hatred........)

FRY: It's their fault!
LEELA: Them and their zombie-fying oil!
AMY: (swears in her language, shaking her fist)
PARIS: (sing song voice) We're in trouble.....!
JANEWAY: Don't provoke us........

(Leela growls, whips out her laser, and fries Neelix to ashes a la Pres. McNeal. The Voyager crew whimpers and backs away)

TUVOK: Ah! A laser with little rings around it!!
PARIS: Oh my God, they vaporized Neelix!
KIM: Yeah, and I wanted to do it!
JANEWAY: What?!?
KIM: Oops.
JANEWAY: Mr. Kim.........'I' was gonna do it.....
LEELA: Get back on that ship. Now.
JANEWAY: (scared) yes ma'am!

(They beam out, Zoidberg beams in, and Voyager zooms up and off.........)

FRY: Wait, you can keep Zoidberg!
LEELA: No, it's too late.

(Zoidberg starts sniffing Neelix's ashes and starts eating them.)

AMY: I think we all learned a valuable lesson.....
FRY: What? Being money-less is cruel?
LEELA: Assimilation sucks?
ZOIDBERG: (mouth full) Computer images are stupid?
AMY: No..........crossovers suck.

(All nod, or say their agreement. On Voyager.........)

JANEWAY: Ya know, I learned something today!
CHAKOTAY: What, not to interfere with other races?
TUVOK: Cartoons are illogical?
SEVEN: Your hairdo is irrelevant?
PARIS: We lose a person every away mission?
TORRES: We only exist in the psychotic minds of strange people?
KIM: Beer is a good agent of de-assimilation.
JANEWAY: No..........Neelix sucks.....and this show could have and SHOULD have ended a long time ago.
ALL: Amen to that!!

(The ship warps off.)
 

END